Hi Xanga. I haven't written in a long time. I know; you're probably relieved. So far, most of my entries have either been first-half-of-high-school-me where I used too many smiley faces and used words like 'homies', or second-half-of-high-school-me where I complained about boys and was too angsty for my own good. Ugh. Well, no promises, but hopefully I'm not either of those things anymore. A lot has changed in my life since I used to write regularly. And soon, even more will be changing. So, I think its a good time to start writing again. B had a conversation with me today about conflict. I started crying. The whole thing was really rather pathetic. I've always thought of myself as a straight forward person. Today I realized I'm not. My whole life, I grew up thinking that taking a stand against someone in a position of authority made you a bad person. I blame it on the fact that thats how I was treated.... I never argued with my mom. I never stood up for myself. I never tried to defend my opinion. Because when I did, I either got mocked or screamed at. Or both. Usually both. When she got mad, I would just shut down. I wouldn't talk or look at her. I wouldn't engage. I would just stop functioning. And usually cry. She can just be so scary. I have carried that behavior through the rest of my life. I still avoid conflict like the plague and let other people have their way if I think it will prevent them from being mad at me. Normally I have a really big personality. I'm the person who everyone has to tell to stop singing...about washing the dishes. But when someone critisizes me or corrects me, I still get sheepish. I still expect them to yell and scream and not talk to me for three days. Because if you mom does it, then it must be right.....right? B's point was that now that I am going to be living with them over the summer and with K over the school year, conflicts are going to arise and I can't handle them the way I always have. Its not healthy, and its damaging to relationships (case and point, my mother and I). Even people who love you and have the best intentions will walk all over you if you let them. I have to learn that its ok to get in arguments. People who love you aren't supposed to make you feel bad about yourself, even when you disagree with them. My mom was wrong. I have a feeling that changing a life-long habit will be easier said than done. But I'm up to the challenge. It will be so refreshing to, as Bob put it, "be me all the time". Its still taking some adjusting, this whole family thing. But so far, its the absolutely wonderful. To have people who love you unconditionally; who's sole motivation in taking care of you is the fact that they actually like you and want you to be happy? How did I get so lucky? This is what family is supposed to be about- love and mutual trust, not domination and intimidation. And that feels so good. | 
